Hello, friend

Hi there! It's been a while.

I decided to stop writing after the residency project was complete beause I was Overwhelmed. Note the capital "O". Seriously overwhelmed. Finishing a project like that, moving 5 or 6 times, working as much as I could to save up for a trip home, being home for a month, reconnecting with family and friends, planning and worrying about the future, digesting life lessons, being uprooted for so long, trying to find work, trying to make meaningful art again, etc. There were many things happening around me and inside me and I just didn't have the energy to add one goddamn thing to that pile.

*Note: as I write this, there are no fewer than ten wonderful humans I've neglected. You know who you are, and I hope you know I DO think about you every day. A massive apology and tonnes of love are coming your way.  

I still feel out-of-sorts, but I think it's getting better.

Since the particulars of my absence would turn this short check-in into a ridiculously convoluted and wordy novella, I'm going to stick to the things I've been up to for the past... couple of days.

1. Cold-process dyeing and eco-printing. I have a tonne of plants at my disposal, what with the back yard and gorgeous public park nearby (responsible harvesting is my second-highest priority. The first is avoiding poison ivy and other noxious plants). I'm testing prints on silk and cotton handkerchiefs (the ideal test size) and keeping my eyes peeled for rusty bits and other things to incorporate. The first batch will be ready by next Wednesday!

Experimenting with diverse dye methods on local plants gives me a chance to plan for my future dye garden. Many wild plants I'm using have medicinal properties or are nutritious foodstuffs. I love becoming a resourceful and responsible gatherer!

2. Weaving transparencies. I've started a small series of miniature weavings inside de-constructed books, using an eccentric-weft technique on a linen warp. When you backlight the weaving you can see the design "drawn" in with weft thread. Layer those puppies up and... I'm not really sure what'll happen. Hopefully something awesome.

3. Yoga. A happy body means a happy brain, and a happy brain means more art and more love to give. I deeply miss being connected to my community through art, miss outreach and collaboration, miss seeing others get inspired.

That's all for now, amigos! It's good to be back.

Finished!

I finished my project on time at the end of March. 


WAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


I'll post something more substantial later. 

Crystalline

Tomorrow my project will be nearly complete. Nearly means I probably need a few more wolves, and one tapestry will need to dry before being sewn to the rest of the piece, but those things are small and easy to deal with.

I haven't written much about this part of the process- the ending of things. I've been vocal about my desire to wrap this project up for what feels like months, but the ending is a weird time in the creative process. People ask if I'm pleased with the outcome, if I like it, if it was what I had envisioned at the beginning. I have no answers. I've spent so many days staring this beast in the face that I can't see it, I don't know what it looks like. The only remedy for that blindness is to put the work away for a few weeks and pull it out again later with rested hands and fresh eyes. Right now, any evaluation is impossible. 

Other things: I've cleaned out my corner of the studio, and boxed up the AIR library at home. I came here with barely anything and now there's an absurd quantity of loose fibre, dyed yarn, and miscellaneous fabrics clogging up my suitcases. I'm disgusted by my ability to acquire art supplies. Where did all of this COME FROM? It's ridiculous. I could make:

4 rag rugs

1 decently large weft-faced rug 

4-5 pairs of socks

8 or more scarves

AND I have a bag of cochineal, several small jars of mordants, a little bit of madder, a rusty nail, copper bits, and a jar of rotting walnuts, not to mention books... There's no way I can drag all this around with me. 

Dreading a summer of moving, temporary unemployment, and possible homelessness, decluttering is just one overwhelming task on my list of overwhelming things to do right now. Ugh. 

I leave you with a pretty picture of various gypsums. 

If I was a rock, I wouldn't have to deal with yarns and moving. I could just sit in the earth all day and grow. 

What IS that thing?

Earlier today a giant remote-controlled bed frame with a diesel engine interrupted my breakfast. After a night of poor sleep (mad cleaning spree brought on by caffeine at midnight), I thought I'd gone completely insane when this monstrosity wheeled around the street in front of my house. 

Turns out the bed frame picks up storage units and scoots them around, and this one was in the employ of a neighbour. 

Weird and noisy

Moving along. Tapestry #1 is off the loom and I'm darning in the ends and sewing up a few holes before I dye it. Here's a 3-part sequence showing progress over the course of 6 hours or 8... I can't remember how long it took to build up that section, but it took a long time. 

Here's tapestry #2. I tore it off the little frame loom at home because it was taking far too much time. I did this chunk in about 3 hours yesterday. 

Leopard print pants are awesome

That's all for now. I'll be visiting family this weekend, and won't be able to finish Tap 2 on Saturday as planned. 

Success!

This afternoon I completed a huge part of my project: THAT TAPESTRY! 

I had anticipated it taking another day to finish, but a few hours proved sufficient time. I'M SO RELIEVED! I have made real, measurable progress. The tapestry is woven. There's a second one, but it won't take long. Next comes darning in a few ends and overdyeing, but that's easy stuff. It's a big step toward completing the residency project, and I feel very good about it. 

Here are a few photos of what I was doing before my last sad post, and this week I'll show you what the finished tapestry looks like. 

Scribbly notes for colour planning and dye measurements. The notes are thorough, but you have to keep in mind I adjust colour on the fly, so my notes are somewhat inaccurate. You get the gist of what's happening though.

Dye pots at work! I used combinations of pomegranate, kamala, and madder, to create a gradation of oranges. It smelled so nice while cooking...

Madder with mystery yarn.

The two back burners are fresh dye extractions, and I'm steaming three eucalyptus bundles (silk handkerchiefs!) in the third pot. The hankies were moderately successful. Next time I'll steam for two hours and let the bundles cool for a day or two before I rip them open.

Leftover balls of dyestuff! I'm saving this to overdye the tapestry.

And now for something completely different, warp reelings! Margaret Jane brought in this year's pantone colours in cotton so we could test them out. I'd forgotten just how exciting it is to play with colours. It's a great creative exercise and it gets you out of "your colours". 

The success of today (plus a fun shopping trip with Jennifer), coupled with hard work (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques) over the past week, has shaken off the black dog today. I feel like my regular self, and I want to continue feeling like this. 

Explanations

It's a new month and that means LONG OVERDUE UPDATES ARE BEING COMPOSED AND SOON YOU'LL KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING!


Have I been locked in a creative frenzy with barely enough time to eat or sleep? Have I been struck down by some horrible illness? Did I take a road trip to some place gorgeous?


The answer is "no" to all three wild speculations, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing. You see, it's March and I've got a month left of my residency to pull together ideas and materials into some cohesively marvelous objet d'art. There's two tapestries that need finishing, books to find and purchase, dolls to find, applications to fill out... Plus apartment and job hunting, planning for the next year, etc. There's a little stress there. 


There's a necessary and bad retail job to tolerate. 


And there's a whole tonne of brain chemistry that's been making all of this incredibly difficult to sort out and push through. 


I've been trying to find a way to tactfully say circumstances and chemistry beyond my control are adversely affecting my ability to be creative and happy. That's why this post took so long to birth. How much to my theoretical readers need to know? How much do I WANT my theoretical readers to know? Should I be honest, or ignore my hardship and focus on the few things I've done recently? And what if all the important work I've done recently is inextricable from the hardship? What do I say to you then?


This is my creative journey, my life journey, and all of these things are tied together into some messy weird knot of existence... 


So... Well, living here has forced me to take action against my struggle with anxiety and depression. It's the greatest and most difficult gift this town has given me. I've railed against nearly every aspect of this town, but I think a lot of that was me deflecting anger at the internal stuff, you know? Back home there were enough distractions to make living with the black dog doable, but here, with those familiar things stripped away, it was just me, the dog, and a town full of strangers. Easier to blame external factors than to sit down and take a good hard look at my own behaviours and thoughts. 


I'm in treatment now, and while it's still too early to feel changes in thought patterns and habits, I will say it's put a lot of things into perspective for me, and I feel more connected to my friends and loved ones as a result. I have hope that I'll finish this residency and summer in good health, with the tools I need to put my good constructive thoughts into action, and to live a happy creative life, and to finally make all of these things I currently don't have the energy and motivation to make. 


Depression's a terrible, ugly, insidious motherfucker. It's something I'm dealing with, and for now, it's an unavoidable part of the context of my actions and artwork. I don't want it, one tiny aspect of who I am, to be so prominent in my journey, but we don't get to choose when to learn Important Life Lessons. They come up and we deal with them or not. I'm dealing with this one. No more black dog and all the energy-sucking, motivation crumbling, cry-face emptiness that goes with it. I'm sick of it. And I hope that in writing this, and by being a more vocal advocate for mental health illnesses and issues, someone feels a connection and seeks help for their own problems. It's hard to admit you need help, but it'll be worth it. 


I will finish up these projects and this residency on time, and there'll be posts later this week filling you in on February's progress. 


A la prochaine...

Even More Brief Update

I'm still kicking. Updates whenever I have the energy to post. 

bulletin

Quick update: giving (performing?) an artist talk tonight for the Etobicoke handweavers and spinners. Last night was our Guild auction. I am tired. Full update soon. 


xo

Pulse

I'm so pleased by the progress I'm making and the shape of the project so far. I know it looks like a weird blobby-beige thing - don't be so nervous, it's supposed to look like that for now - but the accumulation of hundreds of tiny steps will eventually be coherent and beautiful. 

Living an inspired and strange life is a continuing priority, so I spent Saturday evening building a blanket fort in the living room. In a house like this, full of beautiful rugs and old chairs, the fort seemed more like a Berber tent or a Mongolian yurt. And with Bjork's latest album blaring at nearly full volume (as if the collection of odd furniture and my own strange costume [because you can't be in a blanket fort without a costume] weren't enough...), I made myself at home. 

Q: Why would an adult build a blanket fort, dress up in odd clothes, and dance around like a little kid for an evening? 

A: I like making blanket forts. I don't want to be bored. I want to change my perception of this space and these objects. I want to transport myself to a new land. I want to be my witchy shapeshifter self, and what better way than to do that, what better way to refresh imagination/spirit/body than to build a new home and live there for a while? 

to top it off, we're getting even more snow tonight!

Continuing that train of thought, what will I accomplish this week that will refresh my imagination and uphold my responsibilities?

1. Pull together my artist talk presentation and have it a polished gem by Wednesday

2. Practice 6 days of yoga without skipping a day...

3. Practice painting

4. Curate a collection of animals

5. Turn that coconut hull into something

 

Ashes and Diamonds

Apologies for the lack of posting last week- I worked every day and didn't get studio time until Saturday. Thank the gods this is a 3 studio day week, and oh what a gloriously productive and happy week it's been! 

First up, I need to thank the Guild members yet again for their support and understanding while I've been trying with varying degrees of success to sort my shit out. It's probably been pretty annoying to deal with me, and I've yet to help wash the teacups. Secondly, I need to thank the Burlington Public Library for being awesome in pretty much every way possible. If you ever visit this town, have tea with the Guild at the BAC, and then go to the library and talk to Lauren after you've biked along the waterfront trail. 

I swear nobody paid me to endorse all that. 

If you would like to pay me to endorse all that, shoot me an email! My rates are reasonable. 

What's chased some of the gloom away? Phone calls, movies, meetings, and studio time. I've been talking to dear ML. out East about living inspired lives and staving off boredom/stagnation, and we (the Guild and I) have been working on the info package for the residency program for the coming year, I'm making things in the studio and work's crystallizing, and I watched "Ashes and Diamonds" like... four times (amazing, inspiring, gut-wrenching, gorgeous movie! Find and watch it)! 

Something happened in that conversation with ML. last week that shifted my attitude towards my living space and life here. I need to do more strange and small things, things like building blanket forts in the bathtub, curating exhibitions of glassware, colouring with crayons... Inspiration comes from many sources, and it's too easy to get stuck in a negative headspace when you're far from the people and animals you love and you're constructing your life, post-graduation.  

I'm getting more encouragement and inspiration from the studio stuff. It's magically shaping up. Armed with weird coloured odd yarns, I sat down to start weaving on Tuesday.

various yarns and cloth dyed with avocado, cochineal, walnut, kamala, tea, and a six-pound rusty anchor.

All of the boxes were made (and made possible by the Potter's Guild) on Tuesday too. Look at 'em! They'll be white once fired.

Easy way to spread a warp: throw a few shots of fine thread and beat into place. Repeat a couple of times and TA DAA! So much easier than sticks or rag. The next time I do this for tapestry though, I will add a solid something before weaving to give a firm base. This method's a little flimsy for tapestry and I found my first inch of weaving slid back on the warp. 

plus it's pretty...

Free-form tapestry in progress (note: I'm over-dyeing all of this nonsense):

of course there's weird shit in here! 

Since weaving 12 panels in this fashion would take an insanely long time, I'm changing the construction of the boxes a little, and for the better...

And did I mention I'VE JUST FINISHED KNITTING A SOCK?  

First Studio Day of the Year

I was in the studio by 9:30am and up to my elbows in plant matter and water shortly after! My goals: sample eucalyptus and kamala, spend time developing things for sale, work on embroidery project, and log a 10 hour day. 

The eucalyptus branches I was given were from the Royal Botanical Gardens here in Burlington/Hamilton. I shredded them (and forgot to set aside whole leaves for hot bundling), simmered them, and added some silk and wool. Ground dried fruits from the kamala tree (or lotus tree) were also given to me by a wonderful guild member. I added the powder to water and salt in a jar, and heated it with wool, silk, cotton, and St. Armand watercolour paper. 

The pot on the left is eucalyptus without a mordant, and the jar contains kamala. The other pot has a mixture of eucalyptus, vinegar, iron, and fibre. Amazing, eh? The unmordanted mixture gave lovely soft champagne and pale brown on silk and wool respectively, but the altered bath (and here I must give credit to India Flint for suggesting vinegar) gave perfect greys, or black had the concentration of dyestuff been higher. 

Kamala, though difficult to soak out with water, gives bright saffron yellow on silk, a slightly murky yellow on wool, and pale buttery yellow on the cotton and paper. I'll take pictures of the samples the next time I'm in the studio!

I'd like to visit the RBG and ask for eucalyptus cuttings, or frequent the florist downtown. It would be such a neat project to go through the botanical gardens and sample their plants...

unidentified eucalyptus

Teasels given to me by a guild member. They're sharp!

Moving along, I tried eco-printing fallen bourganvillea bracts on St. Armand paper, and it worked wonderfully. Possible product line...

I didn't manage 10 hours, but a solid 9-hour studio day is felt pretty good. I spoke with the clay studio technician and she's still on board with my project, so pretty much all I have to do is acquire more materials and dyestuff before I can move forward. 

Beach Day & Art

I woke up angry and confused after a long night of troubling dreams. Even after breakfast and some homework, I still couldn't shake those feelings, so I decided to get out of the house and make some art. 

A swan! In January! 

I grabbed a ball of string, some scissors, a camera, and set off for the lake shore. There was a gentle breeze from the north, not a cloud in the sky, and it was warm enough to go without gloves.

Practically tropical.

An orange sandstone pebble.

I decided to make rock piles. They started off large: big, perfect waterworn rocks I carried from the treeline to the water's edge. Every 100 feet or so I made a new pile. 5, 6, 7, 8 rocks high. While I made these piles I thought of the weird dream-emotions I woke with and how they had morphed into grief and anger towards my family's lost culture, the blandness of this town, and also towards a great friendship that fell apart when I moved here. 

Each pile marked a little death or loss. I gave my anger many funerals today, from the start of the north shore sand beach all the way to the Hamilton bridge. 

As I moved down the beach the rocks became smaller and scarce. The towers of stone became stacks of pebbles. Eventually there was no more rock and I had to build these cairns from chips of driftwood. My emotions became smaller, lighter, harder to find and difficult to see from a distance. 

I found small treasures along the way. Orange sandstone pebbles, a plastic doll's arm, waterworn bones. 

I found dead fish too. 

People watched me as I stacked rocks and walked. I didn't really mind. They didn't intrude or ask questions. I made it to the end of the beach and, turning away from the last tiny stack of driftwood, I left the beach for the walking trail that skirts the water. 


My grief and anger didn't feel gone, but I felt instead a curious quietening of it within me. I walked home on that trail and once in a while the trees would part at the right place and I'd see the small silhouette of a pile of rock against the water. It made me happy to see them from a distance, happy I could see others taking time to examine them. 


This small gesture of art/healing ended up meaning more to me that what I had intended earlier in the day when I set out with the string and the scissors and the camera. I spent three hours today walking and piling rocks! Who's to say if I could have spent the same amount of time and energy on a similar project if I hadn't woken up on the wrong side of the bed, or if I lived in a different town, or if that friend had kept in touch, or if history had treated my ancestors with kindness instead of hatred. I'm grateful for the beach today, and I know there's be more art experiments soon. 

The red line indicates where I placed rock/wood piles along a stretch of beach almost 6km long. That's a really long stretch of beach. 

Magic Life

I've slipped into this new year without a fraction of the lusty alcohol-fueled shit-show jubilee of 2011. A sleepy night after a long shower and a quiet countdown with the radio marked the turning point for me, and as with some rare great beginnings, this birth was inauspicious. 


I have made resolutions (1. exercise regularly 2. eat more vegetables 3. live somewhere great) and goals (1. shine up that heart muscle 2. make more small things 3. pay down some debt 4. become more involved in the art community, even if that means travelling 5. get inspired instead of mopey) and I have a great deal of hope for this next year. I feel it's going to be a good one. 


Though it wasn't easy to get there and definitely hard to leave again, the visit home was a godsend. It's difficult to describe just how happy I was to be with my family and pets and friends. 




I've returned to the GTA with fresh eyes (well, sort of. I need new contact lenses or glasses to make that statement completely true) and clearer goals for my remaining two+ months here. The days I spend in the studio will be long days with very regular snack breaks and trips to the greenhouse, and they will be very productive days. I'm setting myself weekly progress goals and will stick to them! 


That should mean more writing too, and not just for this blog. I've got to start putting out applications for exhibitions and scouring the land for good jobs in my field (in Toronto or Newfoundland please!). Admin stuff, stuff I'd rather pay someone to do for me. 


Oh well! Intense Studio Time begins next week. Lots to prepare!