Explanations

It's a new month and that means LONG OVERDUE UPDATES ARE BEING COMPOSED AND SOON YOU'LL KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING!


Have I been locked in a creative frenzy with barely enough time to eat or sleep? Have I been struck down by some horrible illness? Did I take a road trip to some place gorgeous?


The answer is "no" to all three wild speculations, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing. You see, it's March and I've got a month left of my residency to pull together ideas and materials into some cohesively marvelous objet d'art. There's two tapestries that need finishing, books to find and purchase, dolls to find, applications to fill out... Plus apartment and job hunting, planning for the next year, etc. There's a little stress there. 


There's a necessary and bad retail job to tolerate. 


And there's a whole tonne of brain chemistry that's been making all of this incredibly difficult to sort out and push through. 


I've been trying to find a way to tactfully say circumstances and chemistry beyond my control are adversely affecting my ability to be creative and happy. That's why this post took so long to birth. How much to my theoretical readers need to know? How much do I WANT my theoretical readers to know? Should I be honest, or ignore my hardship and focus on the few things I've done recently? And what if all the important work I've done recently is inextricable from the hardship? What do I say to you then?


This is my creative journey, my life journey, and all of these things are tied together into some messy weird knot of existence... 


So... Well, living here has forced me to take action against my struggle with anxiety and depression. It's the greatest and most difficult gift this town has given me. I've railed against nearly every aspect of this town, but I think a lot of that was me deflecting anger at the internal stuff, you know? Back home there were enough distractions to make living with the black dog doable, but here, with those familiar things stripped away, it was just me, the dog, and a town full of strangers. Easier to blame external factors than to sit down and take a good hard look at my own behaviours and thoughts. 


I'm in treatment now, and while it's still too early to feel changes in thought patterns and habits, I will say it's put a lot of things into perspective for me, and I feel more connected to my friends and loved ones as a result. I have hope that I'll finish this residency and summer in good health, with the tools I need to put my good constructive thoughts into action, and to live a happy creative life, and to finally make all of these things I currently don't have the energy and motivation to make. 


Depression's a terrible, ugly, insidious motherfucker. It's something I'm dealing with, and for now, it's an unavoidable part of the context of my actions and artwork. I don't want it, one tiny aspect of who I am, to be so prominent in my journey, but we don't get to choose when to learn Important Life Lessons. They come up and we deal with them or not. I'm dealing with this one. No more black dog and all the energy-sucking, motivation crumbling, cry-face emptiness that goes with it. I'm sick of it. And I hope that in writing this, and by being a more vocal advocate for mental health illnesses and issues, someone feels a connection and seeks help for their own problems. It's hard to admit you need help, but it'll be worth it. 


I will finish up these projects and this residency on time, and there'll be posts later this week filling you in on February's progress. 


A la prochaine...