Crystalline

Tomorrow my project will be nearly complete. Nearly means I probably need a few more wolves, and one tapestry will need to dry before being sewn to the rest of the piece, but those things are small and easy to deal with.

I haven't written much about this part of the process- the ending of things. I've been vocal about my desire to wrap this project up for what feels like months, but the ending is a weird time in the creative process. People ask if I'm pleased with the outcome, if I like it, if it was what I had envisioned at the beginning. I have no answers. I've spent so many days staring this beast in the face that I can't see it, I don't know what it looks like. The only remedy for that blindness is to put the work away for a few weeks and pull it out again later with rested hands and fresh eyes. Right now, any evaluation is impossible. 

Other things: I've cleaned out my corner of the studio, and boxed up the AIR library at home. I came here with barely anything and now there's an absurd quantity of loose fibre, dyed yarn, and miscellaneous fabrics clogging up my suitcases. I'm disgusted by my ability to acquire art supplies. Where did all of this COME FROM? It's ridiculous. I could make:

4 rag rugs

1 decently large weft-faced rug 

4-5 pairs of socks

8 or more scarves

AND I have a bag of cochineal, several small jars of mordants, a little bit of madder, a rusty nail, copper bits, and a jar of rotting walnuts, not to mention books... There's no way I can drag all this around with me. 

Dreading a summer of moving, temporary unemployment, and possible homelessness, decluttering is just one overwhelming task on my list of overwhelming things to do right now. Ugh. 

I leave you with a pretty picture of various gypsums. 

If I was a rock, I wouldn't have to deal with yarns and moving. I could just sit in the earth all day and grow. 

What IS that thing?

Earlier today a giant remote-controlled bed frame with a diesel engine interrupted my breakfast. After a night of poor sleep (mad cleaning spree brought on by caffeine at midnight), I thought I'd gone completely insane when this monstrosity wheeled around the street in front of my house. 

Turns out the bed frame picks up storage units and scoots them around, and this one was in the employ of a neighbour. 

Weird and noisy

Moving along. Tapestry #1 is off the loom and I'm darning in the ends and sewing up a few holes before I dye it. Here's a 3-part sequence showing progress over the course of 6 hours or 8... I can't remember how long it took to build up that section, but it took a long time. 

Here's tapestry #2. I tore it off the little frame loom at home because it was taking far too much time. I did this chunk in about 3 hours yesterday. 

Leopard print pants are awesome

That's all for now. I'll be visiting family this weekend, and won't be able to finish Tap 2 on Saturday as planned. 

Success!

This afternoon I completed a huge part of my project: THAT TAPESTRY! 

I had anticipated it taking another day to finish, but a few hours proved sufficient time. I'M SO RELIEVED! I have made real, measurable progress. The tapestry is woven. There's a second one, but it won't take long. Next comes darning in a few ends and overdyeing, but that's easy stuff. It's a big step toward completing the residency project, and I feel very good about it. 

Here are a few photos of what I was doing before my last sad post, and this week I'll show you what the finished tapestry looks like. 

Scribbly notes for colour planning and dye measurements. The notes are thorough, but you have to keep in mind I adjust colour on the fly, so my notes are somewhat inaccurate. You get the gist of what's happening though.

Dye pots at work! I used combinations of pomegranate, kamala, and madder, to create a gradation of oranges. It smelled so nice while cooking...

Madder with mystery yarn.

The two back burners are fresh dye extractions, and I'm steaming three eucalyptus bundles (silk handkerchiefs!) in the third pot. The hankies were moderately successful. Next time I'll steam for two hours and let the bundles cool for a day or two before I rip them open.

Leftover balls of dyestuff! I'm saving this to overdye the tapestry.

And now for something completely different, warp reelings! Margaret Jane brought in this year's pantone colours in cotton so we could test them out. I'd forgotten just how exciting it is to play with colours. It's a great creative exercise and it gets you out of "your colours". 

The success of today (plus a fun shopping trip with Jennifer), coupled with hard work (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques) over the past week, has shaken off the black dog today. I feel like my regular self, and I want to continue feeling like this. 

Explanations

It's a new month and that means LONG OVERDUE UPDATES ARE BEING COMPOSED AND SOON YOU'LL KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING!


Have I been locked in a creative frenzy with barely enough time to eat or sleep? Have I been struck down by some horrible illness? Did I take a road trip to some place gorgeous?


The answer is "no" to all three wild speculations, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing. You see, it's March and I've got a month left of my residency to pull together ideas and materials into some cohesively marvelous objet d'art. There's two tapestries that need finishing, books to find and purchase, dolls to find, applications to fill out... Plus apartment and job hunting, planning for the next year, etc. There's a little stress there. 


There's a necessary and bad retail job to tolerate. 


And there's a whole tonne of brain chemistry that's been making all of this incredibly difficult to sort out and push through. 


I've been trying to find a way to tactfully say circumstances and chemistry beyond my control are adversely affecting my ability to be creative and happy. That's why this post took so long to birth. How much to my theoretical readers need to know? How much do I WANT my theoretical readers to know? Should I be honest, or ignore my hardship and focus on the few things I've done recently? And what if all the important work I've done recently is inextricable from the hardship? What do I say to you then?


This is my creative journey, my life journey, and all of these things are tied together into some messy weird knot of existence... 


So... Well, living here has forced me to take action against my struggle with anxiety and depression. It's the greatest and most difficult gift this town has given me. I've railed against nearly every aspect of this town, but I think a lot of that was me deflecting anger at the internal stuff, you know? Back home there were enough distractions to make living with the black dog doable, but here, with those familiar things stripped away, it was just me, the dog, and a town full of strangers. Easier to blame external factors than to sit down and take a good hard look at my own behaviours and thoughts. 


I'm in treatment now, and while it's still too early to feel changes in thought patterns and habits, I will say it's put a lot of things into perspective for me, and I feel more connected to my friends and loved ones as a result. I have hope that I'll finish this residency and summer in good health, with the tools I need to put my good constructive thoughts into action, and to live a happy creative life, and to finally make all of these things I currently don't have the energy and motivation to make. 


Depression's a terrible, ugly, insidious motherfucker. It's something I'm dealing with, and for now, it's an unavoidable part of the context of my actions and artwork. I don't want it, one tiny aspect of who I am, to be so prominent in my journey, but we don't get to choose when to learn Important Life Lessons. They come up and we deal with them or not. I'm dealing with this one. No more black dog and all the energy-sucking, motivation crumbling, cry-face emptiness that goes with it. I'm sick of it. And I hope that in writing this, and by being a more vocal advocate for mental health illnesses and issues, someone feels a connection and seeks help for their own problems. It's hard to admit you need help, but it'll be worth it. 


I will finish up these projects and this residency on time, and there'll be posts later this week filling you in on February's progress. 


A la prochaine...