It came to a head on Thursday or Friday and I just didn't know what to do. I'd spent the last couple of weeks dragging my sorry ass from the studio to work, moping around, working up the energy to get out of bed, and living in a bad state. I knew what was wrong, and I knew there were more things out of place that I couldn't define, but I couldn't see a way out this whole mess.
Lesson #1: Calm the fuck down and call someone.
I called my dad and cried a lot. Again. This has been happening frequently since I've moved here. My dad put the situation in simple terms: either pack up and leave, or find some way to get what I need from other sources and make it to the end. I also spoke with two other friends in the following days.
Lesson #2: Your friends are there for you. Just call them.
The day after I skyped with my amazing friend and mentor, WhiteFeather. It had been a while since we spoke. Seeing a friendly face and hearing a friendly voice made me feel so, so much better. Hearing about her own experiences with residencies and creative/emotional/huge life challenges put my experiences in perspective and gave me maybe not courage, but at least a little bit of hope. Hope that I could change my attitude towards this place and get through this residency with some modicum of sanity.
I called another friend today and after we hit disconnect I knew that phone calls, skype, emails, and letters were going to be my salvation in this suburban hermitage. I simply do not have a community here, so I'll just have to maintain long-distance relationships, and visit Toronto whenever finances permit.
Lesson #3: I can change my mind!
An ongoing lesson for me has been giving myself permission. Permission to change my mind, to do what I want, to be inspired or uninspired by an idea, to let go of what doesn't work for me, to not hold myself to imaginary obligations. Yesterday evening I was feeling okay with this re-revelation, probably a little more empowered than usual, and began shouting in the kitchen. Not angry shouting, but empowered, soul-affirming, backbone-building mantras at gradually increasing amplitudes.
Development of the Will and Voice is liberating and important.
Dropping a dead idea is too.
Lesson #4: Ganesha.
I took it as a sign of easy times to come when I found a little statue of Ganesha in the house I'm living in. I knew him then solely as the Remover of Obstacles. I vividly remember finding the statue and thinking that I'd come to the end all the SHIT I had to push through in the past year. "Fuck yeah! Finally caught a break!" Now I know that there is still healing to be done, confidence and vision to hone, and my current situation is simply an intense and finite space in which to fix that shit.
That being said, I anticipate the next three and a half months to be no less difficult than the past two and a half. I expect to feel isolated here, lonely, angry (occasionally without warrant), depressed, uninspired, and frustrated.
Knowing when to shift gears, changing my project parameters, and talking more often to good artists and friends back home and in Toronto is what's going to make the aforementioned suffering worthwhile for me.
2 comments:
Celine,
I'll write more soon. Just sharing from one artist to another. My '5 month' wall mural piece has turned into a 12 month piece. It's been a fight to get the glazes right, I finally have a 1/4 of the 30' wall almost done. At one point I was calling this piece my nemesis, later I was calling it my cement boots and I was drowning in the process,
I've recently shifted to complete surrender and am now calling it my devotional work.
More soon later.
We do care, we are thinking of you.
C.
I had a dream last night that you were here in Fredericton. It was nice to see you.
I'm glad that you are working through all of the shit and knowing when to call for help. Calling for help is one of the things that I struggle with. I feel that I should be able to do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. Period. I hate asking for help, but sometimes I just need to swallow my pride and do it.
Life doesn't always go the way that we envision it. When you are in a new situation, you will have a period of adjustment. You are probably suffering a bit from culture shock too. The studio practice culture is different from school where all was familiar and you had guidance as well as guidelines.
But you are growing as an artist and a person and sometimes growth hurts a bit as we stretch and split our old skin.
Keep talking to those that you can and hanging out when there are classes. Your community is still around.
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